Thursday, February 13, 2014

My Eyes Are Shooting Sparks

So it's 3.49. This is going to be another one of those stream-of-consciousness-not-really-worth-reading blog posts that I'm not going to think about and just write because I feel like typing and my head is full of peaceful things and calm things.

Well, my music taste recently has been freaking me out. I seem to have become very bored of my iTunes playlist which is full of Anya Marina, Drums and FUN --- songs I used to play on repeat over and over again. It seems now all I feel like listening are really old songs like Lemon Tree and tacky Chinese New Year songs like 大地回春. There are two feasible explanations for this.

1. I'm so tired that some things get a little loose up there
2. I'm old

Both these explanations inspire little confidence in me.

No matter, no matter. I'm glad to report that my friends have really strange music tastes too, and upon my suggestion of performing 大地回春 for the CAMPOS dinner this Friday, Bryant automatically went and listened to the song (the Ah Boys to Men version) on loop until he came up with a jazzy sorta arrangement for it. These people, they blow me away. Just when I think I've seen everything, that I've experienced and learnt about them as much as I could, they surprise me.

Today we have a Student Government Constitution Convention thingamajig where people propose drafts for our YNC government Constitution and it was pretty awesome to hear some of things my friends had to say. We were deciding between a senate, a traditional hierarchical council and a FEUDALISTIC HUNGER GAMES type constitution called The Silverman Games. It was generally a very exciting experience. I'm awful with these constitutional-like things because it's like my mind hates thinking about these things. It's rather frustration because I want to be serious and thoughtful about these government constitutional stuff (because it's important, right) but sometimes I just can't bring myself to care. All I can think about is how fun it would be to have Alphas in the Silverman Games and I imagine myself part of the clan cheering and doing war dances and yelling the Chieftain. Sometimes I'm so immature it kills me.

I love my friends, though, and I really thank God for allowing me to meet such amazing classmates because I'm learning so much from them. From Rio, how to stand by what you believe, from Kei, Carmen and Nia to make an effort to bring the community together through administrative precision. From Adrian and Zach an optimism, from Liam and Nick the importance of formalities and being professional. Although I cannot see things from their point of view (because I generally prefer having fun over being mature and overly serious about things) I do understand how the Silverman Games could come off as unprofessional and inefficient and adversarial. However, I believe that it really would be exciting to try a new style of, as Carmen calls it "trial by fire" since we have a chance now.

Also just now TY returned my my papaya container with nice presents inside and it made me so happy. And Carmen and Vangey and Nia and I had such a fun time studying downstairs (QR maths proofs and talking about Vi Hart, myths, Tolkien (as always), Journey to the West, Locke, and politics. It was AWESOME. Then before that I met Qing Puppy and Jierong and how wonderful it was to see their faces again and hug them and talk about life and meeting and I felt so delighted. And now I'm so tired I can form coherent thoughts in my head any longerrrr so I shall crash now but thank you thank you thank you thank for today. Amen.


Sunday, February 02, 2014

Don't Take Yourself Too Seriously

So I met someone special recently. It was deeply exhilarating. I felt like a hunger within me was being sated, a thirst quenched, a fire fanned.

There we go. - handsome Archie of Singapore.

Here's a story he told me.

Old Man: So what are you studying?

Boy: Oh, I'm studying law in law school.

Old Man: What do you what to be after you graduate?

Boy: I want to be a lawyer, I suppose.

Old Man: Then after that? 

Boy: Hmm, I suppose once I work hard enough I can rise up the ranks and make partner.

Old Man: Then after that?

Boy: After I make partner for a while I'll be pretty comfortable. I might be able to open my own private firm.

Old Man: Mmmm. Then after that?

Boy: Well, I reckon I'll be married so I'll have a beautiful wife and kids to take care of.

Old Man: Then after that?

Boy: I guess I'll invest in more property and have a nice house and car for my family.

Old Man: Then after that?

Boy: I'll grow older, I suppose. Watch my children grow up.

Old Man: Mmmm. And then?

Boy: And then I'll soon be old and be a grandfather.

Old Man: And then?

Boy: I'll be so old that I'll... die.

Old Man: And then?

He reminded me of something so important. That I don't want to wait until the last AND THEN to regret. To look back and realise my life could have be fuller. To look back and see my life had been empty. He reminded that

success is a byproduct of your passion and conviction.

So Amanda Lee, in 20 years, when you look back on this blog post, I hope you can look back and feel joy swelling in your heart. I hope you can say to yourself

"Amanda, you have tried your best to do the work that matters. To feed the hungry, to give drink to the thirsty, to clothe the naked, to habour the homeless, to visit the sick, to ransom the captive, to bury the dead. To love. To live. To experience and choose love every single day and to let it flow over. Amanda you have done your best. Amanda even though you might not have done everything completely right, you never gave up. You never shut your eyes and your heart to the exploding light and perfect forgiveness of Christ Jesus. You never turned away from the day into the night. You never lost hope in God. You never gave in to exhaustion and sheer frustration. You kept on swimming."

He reminded me also:
Don't Take Yourself Too Seriously.

Life is full of little joys and laughter. I must remember when to rejoice with a light heart. I must remember to PRAY WITH MY HEART AND NOT MY HEAD.

You must be VULNERABLE. He said "Some of you might not have had a girlfriend or boyfriend. That's because you are so, so, so AFRAID of getting hurt. You are afraid of being vulnerable because you might get hurt.

Which you will."

I gasped so loudly when he said "You will get hurt" that I felt my face heating up. I don't know if I how to love someone that much and give so much of my heart to someone I don't know that well. I don't know how to do that. I need to be secure that my heart will not be needlessly broken. Sometimes I don't know if I reinforce the barriers too harshly.

I think though, the only solution is remembering that the only person who will never never never never let me down is God. He is the only one who is perfect love. Because I have already received perfect love from him, I don't expect someone else to fill that void in my heart. I am free to love other better. I have faith that should I ever find someone... we'll be aye-okay. Hehe.

The only way to live is to live for others + God. 
- Cutie Archie William Goh :)