Sunday, August 25, 2013

Something In the Wind Had Learnt My Name

Dear Lord,
Today was a really confusing day. I don't have my diary with me, but I think blogging again gives me a sense of relief. It's been a long time blogging and typing on a blank sheet of paper is, as a say again, really cathartic. To just type and type and type and not think too much.

I've been thinking so much my brain is going to explode.

Today, dear Lord, I went for a wonderful karaoke session with James, Jo, Bel, Kim, Marian, Veron, Mike and Rachel at the NTU graduate club. Lord, thank you for brining such wonderfully loving people into my life. I am really grateful. When we sang When We Believe and Top of the World, I felt the sense of... is it transcendence? We talked about this, Han Jie and I.

This morning, I awoke to Marian's sleeping face on the floor on my hostel and it was wonderful. She is such an inspiration to me. Then I tried to plan my time better using Covey's 7 effective habits.

The last two weeks of have been the first time I've studied for about one and a half years. There are new friends, and old friends and new commitments and old commitments and balancing catechism class, with readings, with homework, with friendships, with family, with being healthy is quite a challenge. Talking about it Mom sometimes makes me feel like everything I don't want to think about comes back up to the surface. Mom makes me think about everything I don't want to think about and forces me to weigh both sides of the story and not avoid and escape everything I don't like to think about. I really love for her that, even though when I'm talking to her, it's difficult to control my emotions.

I'm growing and stretching and changing and my heart feels like it's being pounded upon by some invisible force, sometimes. I feel that some of the decisions I have to make wear me out and make my soul tired. I believe though, that something in the wind has not only learnt my name, but always knew it. I know that through my decision making, my thought processes, the tremendous workload, the feeling of inadequacy, the tension between having carefree fun and the tremendous weight of the responsibility of being alive, of part of the human race, of being a child of you, God. It makes me think hard.

That being said, God, please grant me wisdom that I might always listen to you and choose wisely in everything I do. Lord, I pray that you give me the strength to study hard, be a loving sister, daughter, friend, and student. I feel your joy seeping through me, through Mei's beautiful prayer for me, through all the people around me, Deens, Marian, Jo, James, Mike (who fetched us all over), Carmen, Vania, Tara... Lord, you are so amazing. Teach me to fall in love with you again-- I got tired, Lord and I didn't remember all the dazzling things you have blessed me with.

Lord, I want to be more reflective and record down my feelings on school and friends and Yale more detailed. Lord help me to have enough discipline to exercise, to love, to study, to be a good friend, to set meaningful goals, and win small battles for you every. single. day. Lord, thank you for being with me the last two weeks and bringing Gracey, Vania, Carmen, Chen Xi, Regina, Michelle, and Wei Jie, and Sanjana, Jon, Adrian, Carissa, Janel, Mariel, Mei, Charlotte into my life. Thank you for Rector McAdoo, Rector Lage-Otero, and my Professors, Prof Liu, Prof Gould, Prof Kua, and Prof Paul. They are such wonderful lecturers and seminar leaders. Lord, help me to learn from them, and work hard not to make sure they like me, but to love and respect them by doing the work they assign us well, and approach them for help and let them show me your love.

Lord, I love you. Tomorrow is a whole new day! My challenge is to wake up at 730, revise the lesson plan, and then be in church by 845. Small battles to win for you!


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