Wednesday, February 01, 2012

And If My Heart Should Somehow Stop 

There comes a point where you realise that you're old enough. You're old enough to chart your own life. A time where it's time to stop merely dreaming. A time to start planning. A time to get things kick started. A time to start getting a move on. Maybe it's now? Maybe it was last year, maybe tomorrow. Maybe it's when you're 19. Maybe 19 is too late? Or maybe it's too early? Maybe it's whenever you know you have to start because the fire inside you is burning, and burning. It's easy to forget that the fire will burn out.

I've always dreamt of doing things and making things happen. I've always wanted to help, to be someone. To be someone special. To change things.

But there also comes an age where you gradually stop dreaming. Where your dreams are replaced with reality. With Being Practical, with Stability, with Making A Living, with Survival, with Real Life. . Maybe it's now? Maybe it was last year, maybe tomorrow. Maybe it's when you're 19. Maybe 19 is too late? Or maybe it's too early?

It's the 1st of February 2012, it's been a month since January. I'm 19 this year. It's been a month since the beginning of the year. I've broken my resolutions more than 5 times. I've slept past 1am. I've missed daily mass about 5 times. I've also been gross. (it was only a half-serious resolution though, so I'm not deeply bothered.)

I've been plagued by indecision. So many paths, so many choices. These choices would take me to places I would never dream of going, places I have never before dreamt of dreaming of. Cambridge? NUS-Yale? Liberal arts in the US? Which scholarship? Which course? Which life? Sometimes I wish someone would just decide for me. Sometimes I wish that God will just tell me what he wanted of me, where he wants me to serve him.

To distract myself (as I always do), I bury myself in BBC Sherlock, House, EVERYTHING BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH HAS THUS FEATURED IN (E.g. Third Star, Ends of The Earth, Hawking) and die a thousand times as I watch him work his magic on screen. He is truly a marvel to watch, a spectacle in his own right. He is so talented, it is almost exquisite. Watching him is like getting high on drugs. Alright not really- but yes.

He is not handsome. Veron and I have agreed that The Strait Time's description of his "vertiginous cheekbones, smoldering eyes and dark curls" that give him an "off-beat sexiness" does him little justice. Surely, that description must be left for the normal men. Surely, surely, Benedict Cumberbatch is not your average run of the mill SMOULDERY-EYED, DARK CURLED man? For he is most certainly not. Perhaps "off-beat" slightly captures him, but unless you have watched him in action, you cannot possibly begin to comprehend how completely out of this world he is. I can only conclude that he is something close to ethereal.

He's one of those actors who doesn't look particularly great in pictures, but in motion, he's breathtaking. Completely, and utterly magnificent.

Between bellydancing classes, driving lessons, pilates, Poptart@Velvet, reunion dinners, LOTR marathons, interviews, steamboats, birthday celebrations, chilling out, job hunting, Proj Infinity Planning,  searing Benedict Cumberbatch on my eyes with every show possible, reading C.S Lewis's Surprised By Joy, opening Ang Paus, playing Sets, watching House, and rambling on about movies like The Descendants (where George Clooney met his Golden expectations, but in entirely was depressingly draggy)  it's easy to be distracted. Too easy.

I have a dream, and 19 is not the age to let it go.
Just watch me.

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