Tuesday, January 10, 2012

some might say, we will find a brighter day

I thank God so much for Jon and his reminder of Jeremiah 29:11, that God knows the plans he has for me, plans not to hurt me, but to prosper me.
It's been a confusing time, and IB results have only served to make everything more so. I keep trying to figure out what I want. What I want to be. What I want to achieve. What I want to be proud of.

The thing is, now as I type this, I could see why this might be a difficult task. How am I supposed to know what I want? I'm 18 years old, I'm stupid and idealistic, I watch spongebob and fantasize about the perfect relationship. I fall down on rollerblades, I sing, I forget things. How do I know how to trust myself? I realise now, it's because I've been asking the wrong question. The question, I think, should be- What does He want?

When Mr Connor handed me the envelope with my name scrawled in the front of it, I inadvertently tried to read his expression and got- nothing. I was not nervous. My heart-rate remained stubbornly steady. I felt emotionless when I saw

Diploma awarded 

at the bottom of the page. No relief, no disappointment, no happiness, no sadness. It was like being stuck in some kind of limbo. The statistics that were flashed on the screen had managed to freeze my capacity to be proud of a 42. The competitive streak in me yelled that I was not good enough, not smart enough, and was never going clever or witty enough.

The other side of me, however, drew its sword and readied itself for battle. Inside my head was an internal struggle which went, more of less, like this-

Gollumamanda: You studied so darn hard and you didn't even manage to get at least a 43? What kind of stupid are you?

Smeagleamanda:  You're not stupid. Have you any idea how proud of your 42 you should be?

Gollumamanda: Please. You think your lousy 42 is going to mean anything in Singapore where 200 other students scored 43 and above? You couldn't even manage at least a B for your TOK.

Smeagleamanda: You must thank God, Amanda, because he has blessed you with these grades. You must thank God. 

I was intensely disgusted with myself for being so ungrateful for the wonderful results God has blessed me with. So, I might not have gotten a 7 for English. So maybe, that disappointed me quite a fair bit. However, I am certain that I have improved my writing since the first essay I wrote for Mdm Jenny Wong in 2010.

The past two years in IB have taught me so many invaluable things, how to speak up, how to stick by my convictions, how to track down teachers, how to laugh, how to balance, how to take courage, how to appreciate musicals, how to integrate God into every aspect of my life, how to enjoy visual art, how to run free, how to run wet, how to accept myself, how to be more responsible, how to spell the shortform of tomorrow (tmr not trm), how to appreciate and love wonderful music, how to be a good friend, how to stay awake in school, how to dress appropriately, how to sing on stage, how to pray, how to lead, how to inspire, how to be different, and how to be completely, and wholly reliant on God.

The past two years of IB has blessed me with invaluable friends who have taught me so much about myself. People who have challenged me, loved me, inspired me, annoyed me, connected with me, and people who I have come to have immense respect for. These people have changed me in places I myself cannot even pinpoint, and I thank God so, so desperately for them, because I don't know what I do to deserve them.

I will never, could never, and would never regret the 2 years that have passed me by.
They are part of me now, and always.

So thank you God, thank you God, for 42, for my friends, for cycling down the pavement singing The Good Life, for my parents, for my teachers, for my love for people, for life. You alone know the plans you have for me.

When you're happy like a fool
Let it take you over.
- The Good Life. One Republic

No comments: